basic Difference b/w Girls & Boys

Click on pic to enlarge

Humorous Signs/Slogans

Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
Guitar, for sale.......... Cheap....... . .......no strings attached.

Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!

On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives.

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...
I Gave Up Reading

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:
Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick..
Or when your Son starts To wipe It Off

Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.'

Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.....

Behind Every Great Man,
There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie:
Because women Ask too Many Questions..

Getting Caught
Is The Mother Of Invention.

Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Chandigarh :
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business..

Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager..

Application for Lok sabha Elections

Here is a hilarious spoof on our political scenario.
I am sure you will enjoy it.

    Application Form for "Lok Sabha Election"
      1.  Name of Candidate:_____________________

    2.     Present Address:
    (i.)Name of Jail:_____________________
    (ii.)Cell Number:_____________________
     
    3. Political Party:_____________________
    *List ONLY the last 5 parties in Chronological (Order)
     

    4.Sex: [ ]
    A- Male
    B- Female
    C- Mayawati
    D- Uma Bharathi
     
    5. Nationality: [ ]
    A- Italian
    B- Indian
     
    6. Reasons for leaving last party (circle one or more)
    A- Defected
    B- Expelled
    C- Bought out
    D- None of above
    E- All of above
     
    7. Reasons for contesting elections (circle one or more)
    A- To make money
    B- To escape court trial
    C- To grossly misuse power
    D- To serve the public
    E- I have no clue
    (If you choose "D, attach Certificate of Sanity from a
    Recognized Government Psychiatrist)
     
    8. No of years of public service experience do you possess?
    A- 1-2 yrs
    B- 2-6yrs
    C- 6-15yrs
    D- 15+yrs
     
    9. List the criminal cases pending against you (Use as many
    Additional Sheets as you want)
     
    10. How many years have you spent in Jail? [ ]
    (Don’t confuse with question 8)
    A- 1-2 years
    B- 2-6 years
    C- 6-15 years
    D- 15+years
     
    11. Are you involved in any financial scams? [ ]
    A- Why not
    B- Of course
    C- Definitely
    D- I deny it all
    E- I see a foreign hand.
     
    12. What is your Annual Corruption Income? [ ]
    A- 100-500 Crore
    B- 500-1000 Crore
    C- Overflow...
    (Convert all your $ earning from hawala etc to Rupees)
     
    13. Do you have any developmental plans for India in mind? [ ]
    A- No
    B- No
    C- No
    D- No
     
    14. Describe your achievements in space provided:
    [_________]
     
    15 Any experience of tampering with EVM or booth   capturing - give details.

    Issued in public interest by Fun Commission of India


more at www.fundunet.blogspot.com

are u commited 100% to ur work???????

 

Mathematics. !!!!! . This comes from 2 math teachers   with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud. This is a strictly .....  mathematical viewpoint.. and it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E, 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.......... A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude ...  Will Get You THERE !!   Its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will get you over the TOP.!!!   Now you know why some people are where they are !!!!!!!!!!. .

 

 

Pain of married man!! :)

Pain of a married man!!!!!

 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

 

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today!"

-

This is SOOOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOD....

John Smith started the day early having set his alarmclock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6 am .. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG) He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA) After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia ) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer ( made in MALAYSIA ), John decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL ), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE ) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT MADE IN KENYA

-

Pain in the Ass

Once Pappu started praying to Ravan and after 1 year Ravan was very happy with the bhakti of Pappu.
 



Then Ravan decides to give 3 vardans to Pappu.

RAVAN: Say vatsa! What you want?
PAPPU: I want 100 vardans.
RAVAN: But I can give you only 3 vardans
PAPPU: But I want 100 vardans.
RAVAN: No child that’s not possible.
PAPPU: No I want 100 means 100
RAVAN: No I can give you only 3. If you want then take or else I am going.
PAPPU: Ok! But what 3 I will ask, you will give me definitely?
RAVAN: Sure it's promise from Rakshas Raj Ravana.
PAPPU: 1st vardan, convert your GADA on shoulder to wooden bamboo stick.
RAVAN: "Tathastu" and his gada turns into a stick.
PAPPU: 2nd Vardan, put that stick in your ass hole ... deep inside ...!!
RAVAN: (confused but ......) "Thathastu" and in great pain asks Pappu to ask for the third vardan .... ASAP ...

PAPPU: Now are you giving me rest 97 vardans or should I convert that stick back to GADA ?

The moral of the Story: Management will not yield to your simple request until u can give pain in their Ass.

 

General Motors reply to BILL GATES

At  a  recent  computer  expo  (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer  industry  with  the  auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with  technology  like  the  computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

1. In  response  to  Bill's  comments,  General  Motors issued a press release Stating,  "If  GM  had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part, especially 7th point and 10th point).For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car!
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.  You would have  to  pull  to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.  For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car  to  shut  down  and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car  that was powered by  the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as  easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the  roads.
6. The  oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced  by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse  to  let  you  in  until  you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every  time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to  drive  all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Never undervalue the manufacturing industries ??

Recoil

Haircut

The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ ~ ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

  
 

You're going to love the Dad's reply:

/

 

/

/

'Did you also notice that they all WALKED EVERYWHERE
they went??'

Stella Awards....amazing things happen all around

Its always better to settle issues OUT-of- Court to avoid awards like these.


These stories came from the USA - as if you couldn't guess..
 


 

ONLY IN THE UNITED STATES??
 

 Stella Awards
It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'!
 
For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee... You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That' s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S.. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.


Here are the Stellas for the past year:


*   SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin,   Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
Start scratching!

*   SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles,   California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Scratch some more....

*   FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more...

Double hand scratching after this one...

*   FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..

*   THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tail bone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching....

*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000.....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!!


*   FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway   First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The   Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
 

Are US Americans, as a society, getting more stupid ...

Why u shud not publish ur pic on internet

Mandatory classes for guys n gals... :-)

Mandatory classes for guys n gals... :-)

 
CLASSES FOR WOMEN...
Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
each.

Topic 1. Silence, the Final Frontier:
Where No Woman Has Gone Before
 
Topic 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking:
Making Deposits

Topic 3. Parties:
Going Without New Outfits

Topic 4. Bathroom Etiquette:
Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
 
Topic 5. Communication Skills I:
Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

Topic 6. Communication Skills II:
Getting What you Want Without Nagging

Topic 7. Driving a Car Safely:
A Skill You CAN Acquire

Topic 8. Telephone Skills:
How to Hang Up

Topic 9. Advanced Parking:
Backing Into a Space

Topic 10. Cooking III:
How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

Topic 11. Classic Footwear:
Wearing Shoes You Already Have

Topic 12. Oil and Petrol:
Your Car Needs Both
 

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

Evening classes for men. Starting this month!


Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays.
Step by step with slide presentation.

Topic 2. Toilet paper rolls: do they grow on the holders?
Round-table discussion.

Topic 3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?
Examples on video.

Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing control of the TV remote...
Helpline and support groups.

Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while
screaming.
Open forum.

Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real-life testimonials.

Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation.

Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.

Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're
going to be late.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued. Register now! Contact your the nearest Society of Typical Men and
Women(STM&W)

VISION-2040

(1) A notice board in BJP conference room: "Please keep mobiles in MANMOHAN SINGH mode".

 

(2) IN SUNDAY TIMES, 2040 ...

 

Kasab dies in jail at 70 due to high cholesterol (too much biryani).

 

The PM (read Rahul) said opposition comments on the expenditure on Kasab are unwarranted. Government has spent only  Rs 1850,00,00,000 so far. Opposition says ministers' expenses to visit Kasab (to check his well-being) not included.

 

Farmers' suicides reach 50,000, due to hunger (what an irony). Farmer family complains no minister visited them.

 

Kasab family thanks Indian government as Kasab never had biryani in his younger days in Pakistan.

 

Pawar's family owns half the world and also controls the Russian and Japanese mafia.

 

Golmaal 27 released. Tushar Kapoor still can't speak or act.

 

A. Raja's grandson arrested for G-16 scam.

 

Girl in Delhi walks 25 feet safely, without getting raped.

 

Lakshwadeep 'Cats' to join as the 63rd team in IPL.

 

No politicians in Cricket board, because the board is bankrupt.

 

Pawar's grandson, who had become a Malayalee in 2011, resigns from the Trustee post of Padmanabha Swamy temple, says there is nothing more to loot.

Teacher: "Where is the CAPITAL of India?" Student: "In Switzerland".

 

Many American and Western university girls are wooing Indian politicians' sons. Stanford and Harvard  say that is the best job they can get.

 

Kasab letter, written to Osama bin Laden in 2010, found ... "You should have hidden in India. This is the safest place to hide. They never hang us, give us best protection, and feed us nice biryani, unlike in Pakistan".

 

Digvijay Singh's grandson says, "The hand in the Congress flag is also RSS hand".

 

Censor Board reconstituted to 3,467 members. All members of Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha, 200 politicians, 5 from OBC, 5 from OC, 5 each from Shia and Sunni, 5 from Christians, 5 from Police, 5 each from the 200 new acts that government introduced whenever they didn't want to take action, 5 from Adivasis, etc. BJP protests saying, 'minority Hindus have no say in Censor Board'.

 

Digvijay Singh says Rajiv Baba (son of Rahul Gandhi), who is 18, ready to become next Prime Minister. Constitution amended. Now foreigners can become PM.

 

Because of so many acts and no law, one lawyer is allowed to take only one case during his life time. Each case will be attended by one judge only. If the judge dies during the 40 years of the case, his son will automatically become a  judge and will continue the case. This is because of the new Act Chidambaram had brought in saying, no case can be concluded before 50 years.

 

Hindu Minority Commission formed. The Muslim Law Board and Christian Missionary registers strong protest on this. They say that this is communalism.

 

'Manmohan Singh award for the dumb' declared.

 

Politicians exempted from Income Tax. Finance Minister says it is difficult to assess because most of the income is in cash.

 

PM says scams which are 7 years old should not come under the Indian law. He said this when the Telgi stamp paper scam and Hassanali hawala case came up for hearing. He also added that we should learn from the TV channels. They never talk about old scams, always bring new ones.

 

Fortune 500: All the 500 richest men in the world are from India. Also India's BPL (below poverty line) gone upto 90%. All money is with politicians only.

 

Pawar, Karunanidhi family, Jagan Yesu Samuel (son of Yesu Samuel Rajasekhar Reddy, former CM of Andhra) biggest lenders to America..

India through cartoons...

HAR EK BOSS ZARURI HOTA HAI !!!

HAR EK BOSS ZARURI HOTA HAI !!!
 
Chai k Liye jaise Toast hota hai,
Waise har ek BOSS zaruri hota hai.
 
Koi saturday evening review par bulaye
Koi sunday ko bhi, office bulaye
Ek tere idea ko apna bataye,
Aur Ek tera target har month badhaye
Koi nature se gentle, koi bura hota hai,
Par har ek boss zaruri hota hai.
 
Ek ghadi ghadi review kare, par kabhi kabhi advice de,
Ek kabhi kabhi review kare aur ghadi ghadi advice de,
Koi Gyan ka ghoomta phirta satellite,
Koi din raat rakhe team ko tight;
Koi welcomed hai, koi forced hota hai
Par har ek boss zaruri hota hai
 
Koi bossy boss, koi friendly boss
Koi Data crazy excel boss,
Moody boss, koi gloomy boss
Early morning office aane wala Boss,
Koi late night jaane wala Boss
Koi promote na kare aur appraisal me tarsaye,
Koi good suggestion ko bhi thukhraye,
Koi best friend aur, koi aloof hota hai
PAR HAR EK BOSS ZARURI HOTA HAI !!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!