PAKISTANI JOKES - BANNED IN PAKISTAN

Here are some of those text messages that have angered the Pakistani establishment:

1. Long lines
A man standing in a long line for food tells the others in the line that he is leaving the line to go to shoot the president. He returns after a few hours and rejoins the line.
Did you manage to kill him ?", everyone asks him.
No, that line is longer than this one, he replies.

2. Robber meets Zardari
Robber: Give me all your money!
Zardari: Do you know who I am? I am Asif Ali Zardari.
Robber: OK. Give me all my money.

3. TV anchor announcing:
Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved Zardari and are demanding $5,000,000 or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate what you can. I have donated five liters.

4. Postmaster General announcing
To commemorate the ascension to the Presidency, Pakistan Post has officially launched a new stamp. But the people of Pakistan are confused which side on the stamp to spit on.

5. Announcement In Zardari official airplane
Mr. President , We are about to land.
could you please put Sherry Rehman (former Information minister) in an upright position. Thank you.

6. Pakistani meets American
Pakistani to American: What do you guys do with thieves?
American: We treat them humanely and give them nice food, warm clothes and long jury trials
Pakistani: Thats nothing. We give them the presidency.

7. Genie meets Pakistani
Genie to Pakistani: Order me my master. What can I do for you?
Pakistani to Genie: Bring me all the wealth in the Swiss bank.
Genie: My name is Genie, not Zardari.

Driving in India

For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer.

Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company. The hints are as follows: Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the generally intended direction.

Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself except for a belief in reincarnation; the other drivers are not in any better position.

Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back.

Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.

Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts),or just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.

Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rainwater to recede when over ground traffic meets underground drainage.

Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.

Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion enroute to school.

Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate. Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.

LeaningTower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.

One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives.

Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type. Least I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also.

Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.

Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience for those with the mental make up of Genghis Khan. In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes.

Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously.

Hope you liked it

Have a great day ad enjoy your drive now. :) saini

Speeding !!!!

Speeding !!!!


Mr Saini, a middle aged Indian immigrant in Dallas, Texas bought a brand new convertible Porsche.

He took off down the road and pushed it up to 160 MPH and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Ford Crown Victoria Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 mph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? "I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Wednesday 22 November a day before Thanksgiving "If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with an American Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back." :-)

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"

 

Black Robbers - True Story

On a weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room."I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me.

Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered, and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but, gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and
was on the elevator.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second.... Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. Oh Dear God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." SO SHE DID!!! The bucket of quarters flew up in the air as she threw up her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed.

She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying so hard not to laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men.They reached down to help her up.

Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average-sized one, "I meant that he should hit the ELEVATOR BUTTON for our floor. I didn't mean for YOU to hit the floor!" He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought, my God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologise to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.

When the elevator arrived at her floor, they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear the echoes of laughter as they walked back to the elevator.

The woman, extremely embarrassed, pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.

The card said:"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was signed;

Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan

The world's smartest man?

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man
were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced
that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter
of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us,"
he announced.

And "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot
grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs
great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped
out of the plane.

"I'm the smartest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men,
so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you,
and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."

"Don't worry, You have NOT to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane
with my backpack."

Animal Attack...

Wake up friend....

Masala Dosa & Personality test :

There are many ways to eat a masala dosa .What ever the way one eats; there is a very good reason for doing that. It shows some traits of the person that is you...

Case 1: People who open the masala dosa and eat it: These are the people who are very open about their life. Everyone one the persons friends would know all about him/her. I have generally seen guys do this rather than girls. Some people think that it is a gross way of eating but in truth, these people are just portraying who they are and how their life is.

Case 2: People who start from both end and approach the masala later: These are the people who like to wait for the exiting things to come to their life. Sadly when the times comes, they are not too interested or just do not know how to enjoy it to the fullest. These are the folks who just want life as either dry or exiting. They just do not know how to phase their life and enjoy it no matter what. There are two types of people within this group

Case 2.1: People who do not finish all the masala: These folks just do not care as much for the fun times as they are already brought down by the harsh reality of life. The dry periods in their life has left them with so much scars that they do not want to be really happy when the time is right. They just take only as much as they needed and end their life. A very sorry state indeed.

Case 2.2: People who finish all the masala with the little dosa they have: These are the folks who just are the extremes. They just go all out in life. No matter it is dark or bright. They may not enjoy life to the fullest but they sure make sure that they get every single good and bad thing out of life. Sometimes these folks are really hard to get along with. They are either your best friends or your worst enemies. They do not have a middle path at all.

Case 3: People who start from the middle and proceed to both ends: These are the people who like to get right to what they think is their best part of life. Usually these guys finish of the good portions in a hurry and get stuck with nothing but worst parts of their life. The thing to note among these people is that the tendency to burn out very early in their life. Like the above case, there are two kinds of people in this group too.

Case 3.1: People who do not finish the dosa: These folks are really the saddest of people. They are the ones who tend to end their life as soon as it hits the bad patch. For them, they only need and want the best things in life and nothing more. Typically, they are not prepared or tuned to life as a whole. They just want to enjoy from first till last. Sadly, no one in the world can live without even an ounce of sadness in life. Not even the richest of the richest. But to self destruct at the mere sign of distress is very bad. That is what these guys tend to do. Some learn to live life but most of them do not.

Case 3.1: People who do finish the dosa: These folks are the typical human beings. We all enjoy the greatest of times in life and push the sad parts thinking about the great times in life. Typically the plate is clean and nothing is left for fate or in life. Happiness and sadness are part of life and these guys know that and are kind of prepared for it. Life is not always happy but there are moments of happiness here and there.

Case 4: People who eat the dosa making sure that the masala lasts for the whole dosa: These people are very rare. These are the people who like to attain balance in their life. It is hard to displease these people and it is hard to make them really happy. They like their balance and are very protective of it. Sadly these are the people who tend to be lonely as anyone else may upset the balance of their system.. Perfectionist to the core and are very careful. These guys do not make the best company but are needed in any group to make the group from going hay wire.

Case 5: People who do not share and eat the dosa as if it is precious: These folks are very protective about their life. They do not want anyone to come and interfere in their life. They like to hide their true nature and intensions for their benefit. Beware of such people as they are in every group for their own need and nothing else.

Case 6: People who offer their first bite to others: These guys are overly friendly. They do anything to be part of a group and make everyone feel like the group is important than the individuals. They are the glue that holds any group together. They are very friendly and bring the best of all the others in the group. They go out of their way to help other friends. Most groups should have a person like this and they are the ones who plan the group outings and other group activities. Once this person is out of the group, typically the group slowly falls apart.

Case 7: People who take one or two bites and then offer the dosa to others: These guys care about friends and friendship but they take their time to get into the group. They take their time in making friends and they typically are very committed once into the friendship. These guys like to always be in the side lines and typically do not jump into anything in life. They always take their time to analyze the situation and then make a decision. These guys take the better safe than sorry approach.

Case 8: People who wait for others to make the offer first: Typical people I must say. They are unsure about everything. Even if they wanted to offer, they will wait till the other person offers the food first. If the other person is silent, so are these people. They are the followers. They do terrific idea, they will pitch it to someone else and get their advice before proceeding. Sadly, most of the elderly world like these types of people.

Case 9: People who offer dosa only when they cannot finish it on their own: You all may be familiar with these kinds of people. People who are very generous only when all their needs are fulfilled. These folks are selfish but at the same time not misers or greedy. They just want to satisfy themselves before they give it to the world. They typically do not stuff themselves nor do they tend to starve. They are very good people who would give you the best of advices in life. They would make sure that you are not sad following their advice.

Case 10: People who offer the whole dosa and eat from others plates: These folks are other extreme. They know what they want, they get what they want but they cannot enjoy what they want. Instead they tend to settle for other things in life which satisfies the needs but does not satisfy the person completely. These guys are termed as born losers cause even when they have the thing they wanted, they can't stop others from stealing it from them.

So next time you sit with a person eating a masala dosa, look closely and see if he falls into one of the above categories. You may be surprised as how much it reveals about the person*

Enjoy eating Masala Dosa :P

Whose phone is this

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and began to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: ‘Hello

WOMAN: ‘Darling, it’s me. Are you at the club?

MAN: ‘Yes

WOMAN: ‘I am at the shopping center and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?

MAN: ‘Sure go ahead if you like it that much.

WOMAN: ‘I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked.

MAN: ‘How much?

WOMAN: ‘$70,000?

MAN: ‘OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.

WOMAN: ‘Great! Oh, and one more thing ¦ The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000?

MAN: ‘Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price.

WOMAN: ‘OK. I’ll see you later! I love  you so much!!

MAN: ‘Bye! I love you, too.

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open…

He smiles and asks,

“Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?”

Caught for over speeding.....no problem

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

 Officer: May I see your driver's license?

 Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got caught drink driving.

 Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

 Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

 Officer: The car is stolen?

 Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

 Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

 Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

 Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

 Driver: Yes, sir.

  

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.

The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

 

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

 Driver: Sure. Here it is.

 It was valid.

 
Captain: Whose car is this?

 Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

 The driver owned the car.

 
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

 Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

 
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

 Driver: No problem.

 Trunk is opened; no body.

 
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

 Driver: Yeah, I'll bet that Liar told you I was speeding too!

Kolaveri IT version

Kolaveri IT version :P

White-u skinu clientu clientu
Clientuheartu Blacku
Issue u Issue u meet-u meet-u
... My appraisal dark-u

Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri di

Dialogue1: ”mama.. notes eduthuko.. apadiye kaila KT eduthuko”
Pepe pe pe
Pepe pe pe
Sariyareverse KT sollu
Veve ve ve ve ve ve ve

Dialogue2:”he he he he.. Super maama super maama.. ready? 1…. 2uu.. 3eee 4”
Pepe pe pe
Pepe pe pe
Veve ve ve ve ve ve

Dialogue3:” Ok. Maama.. now tune change.. uh?”
Kaila Mouse-u(Di:”illa illa only English huh”)
Hand-la mouse-uu Mouse la code-u
Code-u fulla error-u
Empty life-u project com-u
Life revers-u gear-u
Bug bug-u. Oh my bug-u
U showed me BOW-u
Beer-u beer-u.. Holy beer-u
I want you here now-u
God I am dying now-u
PM happy how-u
This song is for IT guys-u
We don’t have choice-u

Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri di
Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri..di

Error song… #copied!

The Polite Way to Pee

 

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: '

Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to... the bathroom?' 

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' 

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.

' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

 And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

 Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'

 The teacher was speechless and fainted....

Staring at women’s breasts is good for men’s health and makes them live longer, a new survey reveals.

“Staring at women’s breasts is good for men’s health and makes them live longer, a new survey reveals. Researchers have discovered that a 10-minute ogle at women’s breasts is as healthy as half-an-hour in the gym. A five-year study of 200 men found that those who enjoyed a longing look at busty beauties had lower blood pressure, less heart disease and slower pulse rates compared to those who did not get their daily eyeful.

Dr Karen Weatherby, who carried out the German study, wrote in The New England Journal of Medicine: “Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics workout. Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation. There is no question that gazing at breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of a stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life 4 to 5 years.”

She added that sexy stars like Dolly Parton, Heather Locklear, Anna Nicole Smith and Demi Moore had proved to be especially good for the men’s health.” (Jonathan Hayter)

Pretty Faces Get Men’s Brains Going

“A beautiful woman’s face is like chocolate, cash or cocaine to a young man’s brain, according to Harvard University researchers. Their brain-imaging study revealed that while young heterosexual males are indeed capable of finding beauty in another man’s face, only a lovely female visage can set off the “reward centres” in their brains.

When men in the study were shown pictures of various faces, only the female faces deemed beautiful triggered activity in brain regions previously associated with food, drugs and money, according to findings published in the November 8th issue of Neuron. The unique effect of the comely female face occurred despite the fact that the men also rated some male faces as “beautiful.”

“It looks like there can be a difference between what the brain ‘likes,’ an image that is judged to be attractive, and what the brain ‘wants,’ something that is regarded as a reward in and of itself,” study author Dr Hans Breiter, of Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston, said in a statement. In their experiments, the researchers first asked a group of men to rate how attractive they found the faces – which, unbeknownst to the participants, had already been placed into the categories “beautiful” or “average.” The men’s ratings, it turned out, fell in line with the categories, and attractive male faces garnered ratings similar to attractive female faces.

But in the next phase of the study, men in another group were allowed to control how long they viewed a particular face by pressing a key. Breiter’s team found that they “expended effort” to see the beautiful female faces for a longer time, but for all other faces they tried only to “make the faces disappear faster.” Finally, in a third group of men studied with brain imaging known as functional MRI, the investigators found that only the attractive female faces set off the brain’s “reward circuitry.”

“It’s particularly interesting that the attractive male faces actually produced what could be considered an aversion response, even though they had been recognised as attractive,” Breiter said. His co-author, Dr Nancy Etcoff, noted that this research echoes previous work suggesting the human perception of beauty may be “in-born.” “While we know that experience, learning and personal idiosyncrasies all have an impact on attraction between particular individuals, these results show that this basic reward response is deeply seated in human nature,” she said in a statement.

Source: New Zealand Herald November 10, 2001 via Reuters

Never kick a beer Bottle

Male Female English

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle .

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

Awesome letter of Jealousy...!!!

Nice one!!

Don?t forget to read fully!!!

 
 
 
She is my first and the only love till this point. Her name is Niveda , a software engineer by profession. She is turning twenty-four shortly and she is undoubtedly the most beautiful girl on earth. I made it a point to share my feelings today with her, hoping this letter would do it all. I have not written any letters in my life till now, and this is perhaps the first time I pen down my thoughts and expectations for the person I love the most on earth.
 

It's been four years since we met each other and a strong bond has grown between us through these years. I was unaware of her love for a long time. In fact, I hadn't spoken a word with her till about a year I had seen her for the first time. It was in one long journey in train, I understood her love for me. It happened a year ago.
 

It was a trip from Kanyakumari to Chennai in Kanyakumari Express. We had passed Vizhupuram and it was 3 am in the morning. I thought I was the only one who was awake in the whole compartment in that early hour. But to my surprise, she was also awake.
 

I didn't know then that it was for me she had got up that early. Hardly had she seemed to move her sight away from me. She smiled at me very often and every time I encountered that cute smile, I started eagerly awaiting the next battle with her smile and shining eyes. Her smile had everything in it, the story of unbelievable affection, care and what not.
?From that moment, till now, I too have loved her to a great extent. We have never exchanged words about the love we have towards each other, but words are too less to reflect the amount of affection and love we share. I have always thought that the love would remain throughout our life and it happened to be the same till three months back.

Vivek had come into my life three months back. In fact I myself had waited his arrival for quite a long time, but from the moment he arrived, he has been the worst enemy in my life. Niveda and he had grown close over times, and the fraction of time she spent with me got lowered to a great extent. Even the latest Sensex fall would be less compared to the fall in her affection for me.

I have wondered how it could suddenly happen, after near to four long years of understanding and love amidst us. At times, I have felt like killing that guy Vivek , but I have not had that much strength or braveness to do that. Still, what can he do? He did no mistake to his part, except for being born charming, cute and fair.

Two days before when I saw her, she was feeding food for him and I was hurt to the core on seeing the incident. My anger had boiled down to tears, and I broke. It took almost close to three hours for me stop crying, I felt I had cried more than how much I would have cried when I was born.

I have been trying to understand where it all went wrong, but to my fortune, till now, I haven't been able spot it out. Once for all, I decided to tell all my feelings to her, no matter how she is going to deal with it. I have heard my dad saying a lot of times 'Something is better than nothing!' and I made up my mind to do 'something'.

I fixed today to be the 'DATE' for throwing open in front of her the 'TALE' of my pure love for her. I don't know whether I will get a positive response from her, but I pray God that only the best happens.

Trrrrriinnnnnnggggg ??!!!!!!!

My school bell has rung. The lunch break is over. My 'UKG ' classmates would be ready to welcome me with the same cute smile as ever.

I hope my 'MOTHER' Niveda will be alright, understands me and shares some time with me also, apart from that she spends with my three months old rascal 'BROTHER' Vivek .
See you after a break!!!

Requirement of Girl Friend..............!

Requirement of Girl Friend..............!
 
 

Hi,

Due to some personal, I left my Girlfriend . I need new one now, so pass on this information to your female friends...


Applications are invited for the following post. The package and incentives are mentioned below:

Designation : Junior girl friend (trainee)

Experience : Must have ditched at least 2 guys (Fresher with excellent credentials will be considered)
Other requirement : Should have the Potential to do street bargaining and fight if required.

Age: 18-22 (if the individual is too good looking but not in the age group can also apply, special consideration will undertaken for them)
Height, weight, complexions no bar, but is subjective..

Perks and incentives:
Total gross ( Monthly ) :
* 2 gifts worth not exceeding Rs. 1000/-(no precious metals, stones)
* Bike rides each duration 1 hour on OMR.
* Trips to National Highways
* 5 Trips to some Beach / Water parl / Zoo
* Kulfis / Chocobars at a regular gap of 3 days
* Daily Provision of Samosa/Bread Pakoda/Bhel worth Rs. 10 /-
* 2 movies per month (on weekends)
* Visits to Shopping Malls and BARISTA every weekend (On your own expense)

A Pair of Jeans or T-shirts according to demand will be gifted, subject to finance availability and to the size available with the shopkeeper.

Net Deductions (Monthly): Affair Fund and Un-professional taxes will be informed on joining.
The probation period is 6 months, after which confirmation (with Promotion to fulltime Girlfriend)

Please NOTE:

1. Girls who left in the last 2 months need not apply.
2. Ex-girlfriends will be eligible only if they agree to the above mentioned conditions.

There is more:
For girls who are not eligible, can take advantage of the referral program by referring their friends, colleagues etc.
Candle light/Tube light dinner will be given on every referral, even if candidate is not selected.
Search never ends!!

Interested candidates can send their resume with
Subject: Name/fresher-exp/age.
Photo must be attached in the email
Note: Applications without photo will be rejected.

 

 

GATE level question

Read ahead...
 GATE question

The mom is 21 years older than the child.

In 6 years from now the mom will be 5 times as old as the child.



Question :

Where's the father?




Try first, before you check the answer below!


Please try this one. Please do not scroll down till you give up with the answer.
































Â
Â
Â

Â

Â

Â

Â

Â




Solution :


The mom is 21 years older than the child.


M = C + 21


In 6 years from now the mom will be 5 times as old as the child.


M + 6 = (C + 6) x 5


Hence,


C + 21 + 6 = (C + 6) x 5


C + 27 = 5C + 30


-3 = 4C


C = -3/4 = -9 months


The child is -3/4 years old, it'll be born in 9 months.


"So right now, the father is on top of the MOTHER!

basic Difference b/w Girls & Boys

Click on pic to enlarge

Humorous Signs/Slogans

Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
Guitar, for sale.......... Cheap....... . .......no strings attached.

Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!

On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives.

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...
I Gave Up Reading

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:
Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick..
Or when your Son starts To wipe It Off

Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.'

Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.....

Behind Every Great Man,
There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie:
Because women Ask too Many Questions..

Getting Caught
Is The Mother Of Invention.

Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Chandigarh :
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business..

Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager..

Application for Lok sabha Elections

Here is a hilarious spoof on our political scenario.
I am sure you will enjoy it.

    Application Form for "Lok Sabha Election"
      1.  Name of Candidate:_____________________

    2.     Present Address:
    (i.)Name of Jail:_____________________
    (ii.)Cell Number:_____________________
     
    3. Political Party:_____________________
    *List ONLY the last 5 parties in Chronological (Order)
     

    4.Sex: [ ]
    A- Male
    B- Female
    C- Mayawati
    D- Uma Bharathi
     
    5. Nationality: [ ]
    A- Italian
    B- Indian
     
    6. Reasons for leaving last party (circle one or more)
    A- Defected
    B- Expelled
    C- Bought out
    D- None of above
    E- All of above
     
    7. Reasons for contesting elections (circle one or more)
    A- To make money
    B- To escape court trial
    C- To grossly misuse power
    D- To serve the public
    E- I have no clue
    (If you choose "D, attach Certificate of Sanity from a
    Recognized Government Psychiatrist)
     
    8. No of years of public service experience do you possess?
    A- 1-2 yrs
    B- 2-6yrs
    C- 6-15yrs
    D- 15+yrs
     
    9. List the criminal cases pending against you (Use as many
    Additional Sheets as you want)
     
    10. How many years have you spent in Jail? [ ]
    (Don’t confuse with question 8)
    A- 1-2 years
    B- 2-6 years
    C- 6-15 years
    D- 15+years
     
    11. Are you involved in any financial scams? [ ]
    A- Why not
    B- Of course
    C- Definitely
    D- I deny it all
    E- I see a foreign hand.
     
    12. What is your Annual Corruption Income? [ ]
    A- 100-500 Crore
    B- 500-1000 Crore
    C- Overflow...
    (Convert all your $ earning from hawala etc to Rupees)
     
    13. Do you have any developmental plans for India in mind? [ ]
    A- No
    B- No
    C- No
    D- No
     
    14. Describe your achievements in space provided:
    [_________]
     
    15 Any experience of tampering with EVM or booth   capturing - give details.

    Issued in public interest by Fun Commission of India


more at www.fundunet.blogspot.com

are u commited 100% to ur work???????

 

Mathematics. !!!!! . This comes from 2 math teachers   with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud. This is a strictly .....  mathematical viewpoint.. and it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E, 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.......... A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude ...  Will Get You THERE !!   Its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will get you over the TOP.!!!   Now you know why some people are where they are !!!!!!!!!!. .

 

 

Pain of married man!! :)

Pain of a married man!!!!!

 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

 

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today!"

-

This is SOOOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOD....

John Smith started the day early having set his alarmclock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6 am .. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG) He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA) After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia ) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer ( made in MALAYSIA ), John decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL ), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE ) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT MADE IN KENYA

-

Pain in the Ass

Once Pappu started praying to Ravan and after 1 year Ravan was very happy with the bhakti of Pappu.
 



Then Ravan decides to give 3 vardans to Pappu.

RAVAN: Say vatsa! What you want?
PAPPU: I want 100 vardans.
RAVAN: But I can give you only 3 vardans
PAPPU: But I want 100 vardans.
RAVAN: No child that’s not possible.
PAPPU: No I want 100 means 100
RAVAN: No I can give you only 3. If you want then take or else I am going.
PAPPU: Ok! But what 3 I will ask, you will give me definitely?
RAVAN: Sure it's promise from Rakshas Raj Ravana.
PAPPU: 1st vardan, convert your GADA on shoulder to wooden bamboo stick.
RAVAN: "Tathastu" and his gada turns into a stick.
PAPPU: 2nd Vardan, put that stick in your ass hole ... deep inside ...!!
RAVAN: (confused but ......) "Thathastu" and in great pain asks Pappu to ask for the third vardan .... ASAP ...

PAPPU: Now are you giving me rest 97 vardans or should I convert that stick back to GADA ?

The moral of the Story: Management will not yield to your simple request until u can give pain in their Ass.

 

General Motors reply to BILL GATES

At  a  recent  computer  expo  (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer  industry  with  the  auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with  technology  like  the  computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

1. In  response  to  Bill's  comments,  General  Motors issued a press release Stating,  "If  GM  had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part, especially 7th point and 10th point).For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car!
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.  You would have  to  pull  to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.  For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car  to  shut  down  and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car  that was powered by  the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as  easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the  roads.
6. The  oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced  by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse  to  let  you  in  until  you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every  time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to  drive  all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Never undervalue the manufacturing industries ??

Recoil

Haircut

The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ ~ ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

  
 

You're going to love the Dad's reply:

/

 

/

/

'Did you also notice that they all WALKED EVERYWHERE
they went??'

Stella Awards....amazing things happen all around

Its always better to settle issues OUT-of- Court to avoid awards like these.


These stories came from the USA - as if you couldn't guess..
 


 

ONLY IN THE UNITED STATES??
 

 Stella Awards
It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'!
 
For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee... You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That' s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S.. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.


Here are the Stellas for the past year:


*   SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin,   Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
Start scratching!

*   SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles,   California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Scratch some more....

*   FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more...

Double hand scratching after this one...

*   FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..

*   THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tail bone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching....

*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000.....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!!


*   FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway   First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The   Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
 

Are US Americans, as a society, getting more stupid ...

Why u shud not publish ur pic on internet

Mandatory classes for guys n gals... :-)

Mandatory classes for guys n gals... :-)

 
CLASSES FOR WOMEN...
Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
each.

Topic 1. Silence, the Final Frontier:
Where No Woman Has Gone Before
 
Topic 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking:
Making Deposits

Topic 3. Parties:
Going Without New Outfits

Topic 4. Bathroom Etiquette:
Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
 
Topic 5. Communication Skills I:
Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

Topic 6. Communication Skills II:
Getting What you Want Without Nagging

Topic 7. Driving a Car Safely:
A Skill You CAN Acquire

Topic 8. Telephone Skills:
How to Hang Up

Topic 9. Advanced Parking:
Backing Into a Space

Topic 10. Cooking III:
How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

Topic 11. Classic Footwear:
Wearing Shoes You Already Have

Topic 12. Oil and Petrol:
Your Car Needs Both
 

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

Evening classes for men. Starting this month!


Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays.
Step by step with slide presentation.

Topic 2. Toilet paper rolls: do they grow on the holders?
Round-table discussion.

Topic 3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?
Examples on video.

Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing control of the TV remote...
Helpline and support groups.

Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while
screaming.
Open forum.

Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real-life testimonials.

Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation.

Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.

Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're
going to be late.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued. Register now! Contact your the nearest Society of Typical Men and
Women(STM&W)