PAKISTANI JOKES - BANNED IN PAKISTAN

Here are some of those text messages that have angered the Pakistani establishment:

1. Long lines
A man standing in a long line for food tells the others in the line that he is leaving the line to go to shoot the president. He returns after a few hours and rejoins the line.
Did you manage to kill him ?", everyone asks him.
No, that line is longer than this one, he replies.

2. Robber meets Zardari
Robber: Give me all your money!
Zardari: Do you know who I am? I am Asif Ali Zardari.
Robber: OK. Give me all my money.

3. TV anchor announcing:
Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved Zardari and are demanding $5,000,000 or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate what you can. I have donated five liters.

4. Postmaster General announcing
To commemorate the ascension to the Presidency, Pakistan Post has officially launched a new stamp. But the people of Pakistan are confused which side on the stamp to spit on.

5. Announcement In Zardari official airplane
Mr. President , We are about to land.
could you please put Sherry Rehman (former Information minister) in an upright position. Thank you.

6. Pakistani meets American
Pakistani to American: What do you guys do with thieves?
American: We treat them humanely and give them nice food, warm clothes and long jury trials
Pakistani: Thats nothing. We give them the presidency.

7. Genie meets Pakistani
Genie to Pakistani: Order me my master. What can I do for you?
Pakistani to Genie: Bring me all the wealth in the Swiss bank.
Genie: My name is Genie, not Zardari.

Driving in India

For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer.

Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company. The hints are as follows: Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the generally intended direction.

Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself except for a belief in reincarnation; the other drivers are not in any better position.

Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back.

Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.

Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts),or just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.

Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rainwater to recede when over ground traffic meets underground drainage.

Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.

Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion enroute to school.

Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate. Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.

LeaningTower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.

One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives.

Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type. Least I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also.

Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.

Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience for those with the mental make up of Genghis Khan. In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes.

Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously.

Hope you liked it

Have a great day ad enjoy your drive now. :) saini

Speeding !!!!

Speeding !!!!


Mr Saini, a middle aged Indian immigrant in Dallas, Texas bought a brand new convertible Porsche.

He took off down the road and pushed it up to 160 MPH and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Ford Crown Victoria Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 mph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? "I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Wednesday 22 November a day before Thanksgiving "If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with an American Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back." :-)

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"

 

Black Robbers - True Story

On a weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room."I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me.

Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered, and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but, gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and
was on the elevator.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second.... Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. Oh Dear God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." SO SHE DID!!! The bucket of quarters flew up in the air as she threw up her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed.

She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying so hard not to laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men.They reached down to help her up.

Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average-sized one, "I meant that he should hit the ELEVATOR BUTTON for our floor. I didn't mean for YOU to hit the floor!" He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought, my God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologise to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.

When the elevator arrived at her floor, they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear the echoes of laughter as they walked back to the elevator.

The woman, extremely embarrassed, pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.

The card said:"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was signed;

Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan

The world's smartest man?

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man
were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced
that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter
of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us,"
he announced.

And "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot
grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs
great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped
out of the plane.

"I'm the smartest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men,
so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you,
and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."

"Don't worry, You have NOT to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane
with my backpack."

Animal Attack...

Wake up friend....

Masala Dosa & Personality test :

There are many ways to eat a masala dosa .What ever the way one eats; there is a very good reason for doing that. It shows some traits of the person that is you...

Case 1: People who open the masala dosa and eat it: These are the people who are very open about their life. Everyone one the persons friends would know all about him/her. I have generally seen guys do this rather than girls. Some people think that it is a gross way of eating but in truth, these people are just portraying who they are and how their life is.

Case 2: People who start from both end and approach the masala later: These are the people who like to wait for the exiting things to come to their life. Sadly when the times comes, they are not too interested or just do not know how to enjoy it to the fullest. These are the folks who just want life as either dry or exiting. They just do not know how to phase their life and enjoy it no matter what. There are two types of people within this group

Case 2.1: People who do not finish all the masala: These folks just do not care as much for the fun times as they are already brought down by the harsh reality of life. The dry periods in their life has left them with so much scars that they do not want to be really happy when the time is right. They just take only as much as they needed and end their life. A very sorry state indeed.

Case 2.2: People who finish all the masala with the little dosa they have: These are the folks who just are the extremes. They just go all out in life. No matter it is dark or bright. They may not enjoy life to the fullest but they sure make sure that they get every single good and bad thing out of life. Sometimes these folks are really hard to get along with. They are either your best friends or your worst enemies. They do not have a middle path at all.

Case 3: People who start from the middle and proceed to both ends: These are the people who like to get right to what they think is their best part of life. Usually these guys finish of the good portions in a hurry and get stuck with nothing but worst parts of their life. The thing to note among these people is that the tendency to burn out very early in their life. Like the above case, there are two kinds of people in this group too.

Case 3.1: People who do not finish the dosa: These folks are really the saddest of people. They are the ones who tend to end their life as soon as it hits the bad patch. For them, they only need and want the best things in life and nothing more. Typically, they are not prepared or tuned to life as a whole. They just want to enjoy from first till last. Sadly, no one in the world can live without even an ounce of sadness in life. Not even the richest of the richest. But to self destruct at the mere sign of distress is very bad. That is what these guys tend to do. Some learn to live life but most of them do not.

Case 3.1: People who do finish the dosa: These folks are the typical human beings. We all enjoy the greatest of times in life and push the sad parts thinking about the great times in life. Typically the plate is clean and nothing is left for fate or in life. Happiness and sadness are part of life and these guys know that and are kind of prepared for it. Life is not always happy but there are moments of happiness here and there.

Case 4: People who eat the dosa making sure that the masala lasts for the whole dosa: These people are very rare. These are the people who like to attain balance in their life. It is hard to displease these people and it is hard to make them really happy. They like their balance and are very protective of it. Sadly these are the people who tend to be lonely as anyone else may upset the balance of their system.. Perfectionist to the core and are very careful. These guys do not make the best company but are needed in any group to make the group from going hay wire.

Case 5: People who do not share and eat the dosa as if it is precious: These folks are very protective about their life. They do not want anyone to come and interfere in their life. They like to hide their true nature and intensions for their benefit. Beware of such people as they are in every group for their own need and nothing else.

Case 6: People who offer their first bite to others: These guys are overly friendly. They do anything to be part of a group and make everyone feel like the group is important than the individuals. They are the glue that holds any group together. They are very friendly and bring the best of all the others in the group. They go out of their way to help other friends. Most groups should have a person like this and they are the ones who plan the group outings and other group activities. Once this person is out of the group, typically the group slowly falls apart.

Case 7: People who take one or two bites and then offer the dosa to others: These guys care about friends and friendship but they take their time to get into the group. They take their time in making friends and they typically are very committed once into the friendship. These guys like to always be in the side lines and typically do not jump into anything in life. They always take their time to analyze the situation and then make a decision. These guys take the better safe than sorry approach.

Case 8: People who wait for others to make the offer first: Typical people I must say. They are unsure about everything. Even if they wanted to offer, they will wait till the other person offers the food first. If the other person is silent, so are these people. They are the followers. They do terrific idea, they will pitch it to someone else and get their advice before proceeding. Sadly, most of the elderly world like these types of people.

Case 9: People who offer dosa only when they cannot finish it on their own: You all may be familiar with these kinds of people. People who are very generous only when all their needs are fulfilled. These folks are selfish but at the same time not misers or greedy. They just want to satisfy themselves before they give it to the world. They typically do not stuff themselves nor do they tend to starve. They are very good people who would give you the best of advices in life. They would make sure that you are not sad following their advice.

Case 10: People who offer the whole dosa and eat from others plates: These folks are other extreme. They know what they want, they get what they want but they cannot enjoy what they want. Instead they tend to settle for other things in life which satisfies the needs but does not satisfy the person completely. These guys are termed as born losers cause even when they have the thing they wanted, they can't stop others from stealing it from them.

So next time you sit with a person eating a masala dosa, look closely and see if he falls into one of the above categories. You may be surprised as how much it reveals about the person*

Enjoy eating Masala Dosa :P

Whose phone is this

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and began to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: ‘Hello

WOMAN: ‘Darling, it’s me. Are you at the club?

MAN: ‘Yes

WOMAN: ‘I am at the shopping center and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?

MAN: ‘Sure go ahead if you like it that much.

WOMAN: ‘I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked.

MAN: ‘How much?

WOMAN: ‘$70,000?

MAN: ‘OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.

WOMAN: ‘Great! Oh, and one more thing ¦ The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000?

MAN: ‘Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price.

WOMAN: ‘OK. I’ll see you later! I love  you so much!!

MAN: ‘Bye! I love you, too.

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open…

He smiles and asks,

“Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?”

Caught for over speeding.....no problem

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

 Officer: May I see your driver's license?

 Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got caught drink driving.

 Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

 Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

 Officer: The car is stolen?

 Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

 Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

 Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

 Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

 Driver: Yes, sir.

  

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.

The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

 

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

 Driver: Sure. Here it is.

 It was valid.

 
Captain: Whose car is this?

 Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

 The driver owned the car.

 
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

 Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

 
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

 Driver: No problem.

 Trunk is opened; no body.

 
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

 Driver: Yeah, I'll bet that Liar told you I was speeding too!

Kolaveri IT version

Kolaveri IT version :P

White-u skinu clientu clientu
Clientuheartu Blacku
Issue u Issue u meet-u meet-u
... My appraisal dark-u

Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri di

Dialogue1: ”mama.. notes eduthuko.. apadiye kaila KT eduthuko”
Pepe pe pe
Pepe pe pe
Sariyareverse KT sollu
Veve ve ve ve ve ve ve

Dialogue2:”he he he he.. Super maama super maama.. ready? 1…. 2uu.. 3eee 4”
Pepe pe pe
Pepe pe pe
Veve ve ve ve ve ve

Dialogue3:” Ok. Maama.. now tune change.. uh?”
Kaila Mouse-u(Di:”illa illa only English huh”)
Hand-la mouse-uu Mouse la code-u
Code-u fulla error-u
Empty life-u project com-u
Life revers-u gear-u
Bug bug-u. Oh my bug-u
U showed me BOW-u
Beer-u beer-u.. Holy beer-u
I want you here now-u
God I am dying now-u
PM happy how-u
This song is for IT guys-u
We don’t have choice-u

Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri di
Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri..di

Error song… #copied!