Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone

Written by Adrian Tan, author of The Teenage Textbook (1988), was the guest-of-honour at a recent NTU convocation ceremony. This was his speech to the graduating class of 2008.

-----

I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It's a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.

Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you've already won her heart, you don't need to win every argument.

Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.

The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You're done learning.

You've probably been told the big lie that "Learning is a lifelong process" and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters' degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don't you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.

The good news is that they're wrong.

The bad news is that you don't need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You're in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.

I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I'm here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There's very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.

So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you'll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.

Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they're 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn't meet their life expectancy.

I'm here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy.

After all, it's calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average.

Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.

If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don't need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life's a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.

Don't expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.

What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.

Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.

The most important is this: do not work.

Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable.

Work kills. The Japanese have a term "Karoshi", which means death from overwork. That's the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there's nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.

There's a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are "making a living". No, they're not. They're dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.

People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan "Arbeit macht frei" was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.

Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.

Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.

I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn't do that, I would've been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably a sports journalist.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don't imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I'll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don't, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I'm not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.

It's not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it's often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one's own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn't say "be loved". That requires too much compromise. If one changes one's looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We've taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn't happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.

You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don't, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don't work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL FROM BIHAR


 Madam, I am one young gentleman living only with myself in Patna . I am  seeing your advertisement for marriage purpose in the daily newspaper.  So I  decide to press myself on you and I am hopping you will make the  marriage  with me.

 I am the son of my father & mother of agriculture family from inside  Patna.  I having no sister and no brother also. I become big in Patna only. I  educate myself in the Zuarilal Himmatlal High School , Bezna Road . I  am  nice and big, six foots tall and six inches long. My body is filled  with  hardness why because I am working hardly. I am playing also hardly.  Especially I am liking the cricket. I am a good batter also I am fast  baller. Whenever I am coming running for the balling, all batters are  running everywhere why because they are afraiding my balls. My balls  are  bouncing too much high. That is very danger for them.

 I am very nice gentleman. I always laughing loudly at everyone. I am  happy  always and gay also. Ladies they are saying I am nice and soft because  I  giving respect to them. I am always liking if ladies are on top. That  is how  nice I am.  I am not having any bad habits. I drink milk only and no other bad  things. I  am not chewing cigarettes or eating gutka paan why because it not good  for  all the peoples. So I am not doing so. I am keep fitting everyday.
 Morning I  am going to jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and  pumping. If you want you can came and see how I pumping the dumb bells  in  the jim. And now good muscles are come outing everywhere.

 I am having very much money in my pant everyday and my pant is everyday  open for you why because I am nice gentleman, but still I am living  with  myself only. What to do? So I am taking my things into my own hands  everyday. That is why I want to press myself on you, so that you will  come  and take my things into your hands.
 Madam, if you are marrying me, I am telling you, I will be hardly  loving  you everyday. If you are not marrying me then I will press you and  press you  until you come. I am at your feet and slowing looking up, with hope. I  am  waiting very badly for your reply why because I am stiff with  excitement and  anticipation.

 Expecting good answer and replies to me in the future.

 Namaste.

Mental in yours Loving
BabuLal

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath.. She puts her foot in and pauses...
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen
table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," she knocked on wood.
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
__________________________________
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!


An elderly Lady called 999 on her mobile phone to report that her car has been broken into.


She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the operator: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The operator said, "Stay calm An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the
Officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."
_____________________________________
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"


Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_____________________________________
SUPERSEX


A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she
Said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________
ROMANCE


An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked..

"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE


80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_________
____________________________
OLD FRIENDS


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.


Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING


As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"
_____________________________________
DRIVING


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"



Please !!!!


Dear Ones, tell me this won't happen to us !!!!

WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?

Red Hair

I Never Thought of This Answer...


WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the
Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm
a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be
mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said...'Even though you and your wife both have
black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the
gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.

'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for
generations.'

"Well, said the doctor, let me ask you this.

How often do you have sex???"


The man seemed a bit ashamed..'I've been working very hard for the past
year.

We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently....



"It'sRust."


If you can't laugh at this one, you are having a bad day.

Arrested for Laughing


 This is from an actual trial in the UK. A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus. When she  noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more, she filed a court case  on him.  In the court the man's defense was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't  help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read 'Coming Soon - The unknown boon'... I was even more amused when she then sat under a shaving cream advertisement, which read:'William's stick did the trick'. Then I could not control myself any longer, when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this  accident'...  The case was dismissed. The judge fell off his chair laughing..!       

From a guy’s diary ……………..

What not to do when you are desperate about having a girl friend !!


My target readers

  • If you are a guy, age >=22 and still single....welcome to the club. Read this very seriously.
  • If you are a guy, not single then reading this is not worth your time.
  • If you are a girl ------------------------Sorry.
 

Awesome Facts….

 

On a random day, at a random place you come across a random girl and you get an instant feeling that she is the "one" for you. In the next few mins of talk, the inevitable question comes up "Are you on Orkut?"...Now that's the beginning. You take her email ID, flick her chat ID from Orkut and start loading her inbox with messages, forwards, funny mails, quotes etc etc., . You are always online for her and the moment you comes online the question pops up on her window, "Hey hi, wass up?" You always go to places where there is a chance of seeing her. You try to run in to her and pretend that it was accidental. You wear nice dresses and try to look good on the days when there is a high probability of meeting her. After that you take her phone number and start calling her every day. For the first few days she picks up the phone, then slowly she starts giving the busy tone and the next stage is total avoidance. But, you always believe that she is interested in you or at least you don't want to accept the truth. For some of you the big day comes when you express your feelings to her and you don't even have to wait for her reply, it is generally, "I did not see you in that way, can we be just friends?". Some don't even reach that stage, they hide their feelings, but in either case one thing is common, the girl's name ends up being the password for the next few months.

As soon as they realize that they have reached the "age", guys start trying to impress girls. Some try to show-off that they are smart and some have this weird belief that girls consider stupid guys as cute. Intelligence to innocence, being introvert to extrovert, being classy to messy, strong to weak ...anything and everything, every guy has own strategy. I don't know who came up with this quote "Everything is fair in love and war", he (not she) must probably have been one of them. I don't know why guys fail to understand that girls are smart enough to understand all these and why would not they? Even before they realize that they are "girls", guys start hitting on them, one after the other, day and night, not allowing them even to breathe properly.

After reading till here some of you might be in dilemma whether you are really desperate or not. It's very easy to come to a conclusion. Take a paper and answer the following questions in Yes or No

1. Whenever you see a girl walking on the road ahead of you, Do you increase your walking speed, walk past her and then turn back to see her face?
2. Do you become very conscious about what you are talking, when you are around with girls?
3. Do you try to be cool or someone else in order to impress girls?
4. Do you think staying clam or moody when in a group makes the girl think about you?
5. You ask a girl to join you for lunch or coffee; do you think a YES from other side is an indication that she is interested in you?
6. Do you keep staring at girls?
7. Are you ready to date a girl even if she is around with someone else as well?
8. Is "Girls" the main topic of all your discussions with your friends?

If you find even a single "YES" in the paper then YOU ARE DESPERATE. Be a man, accept it.

Now the real question "What not to do when you are desperate about having a girl friend?"
Did you actually believe that I would come up with some solution or tips? Had I known it, would I be still single? It was just a trick to make you guys read this one. But, I have one tip though, first and foremost STOP being desperate. I know that it is difficult. At least try not to show that you are desperate. The rule is simple, "No one in this world cares for a thing that is easily gettable" and FYI girls are never worried about finding a guy and why do they have to? Did you ever come across a girl who never had a BF or never been proposed by a guy? If yes, then that's a miracle, you met a rare species or an extinct one in this world.

If you got the tip that you wanted and don't want to read any further it's fine. But, I would recommend reading further. Trust me, keep reading.

We know that we are the ones who make the girls realize that they are important, treat them as if they are precious, tell them that they are beautiful and show that they are in demand. We buy them gifts, spend all the money we have, do their work, roam around with them all the time, carry their stuff and in the end what do we get in return? a few thanks and an offer to be a good friend. Do we need all this? If 1/1000 th of the time wasted on a girl is spent on a guy you will find a friend for a lifetime. Just play some game together or watch a movie, give him a cigarette or buy him a drink and that is it. Realize that spending a night with your friends drinking till everyone pukes, having a hangover throughout the next day is more fun than spending the same night with your girl in a pub buying her drinks, talking crap, listening crap, making some crap moves..... What ever.

I know that at some point of time in your life you might have realized all this. But, there is a need to educate the rest and also pass on the message to the future generations. I dream of a day when guys are in demand and girls start worrying about finding a guy. I hope the day comes soon.

If you are still desperate, you need a second read.

Funny banners




1 A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..
Drive Slowly, Don’t kill our Employee...
...... Leave them to us

 


2 An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt:
" If you are able to see this, Please tell me that my galfriend has fallen off"

 


3 Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love..
Love is always present..
Its just that,
One loves too much,
and

The other loves too many,

 


4 Employee: Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary..!
BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occuring outside the company..!

 


5 Philosophy of life

At the begining of married life, every gal treats her husband as GOD,
Later on somehow the alphabets get reversed..!

 


6 What is a Fear?
Fear is the Deep, Wrenching feeling in your stomach
When pages of your book still smell new
and
Just few hours left for your exams..!

 


7 Jus4Fun
Someone has rightly said, "A fool can ask More questions that a wise man cannot answer"
No Wonder why so many of us are speechless when lecturers ask question..!

 


8 Boy: Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes?
Shopkeeper: Oh sure..! How about this card, it says "To the only Girl I ever loved.!"
Boy: Thats good, Give me 12 of them..!

 


 

 

Know Your Rashi



मेष
इस साल आपका विवाह योग बन रहा है मगर ज़्यादा खुश होने की ज़रूरत नहीं है क्योंकि आप पहले से शादीशुदा हैं। गणेशा कहते हैं कि इस आफत के लिए आप खुद ज़िम्मेदार हैं। टाइमपास करने के चक्कर में ऑफिस में जिस लड़की से आपने फ्लर्ट करना शुरू किया था, उसे लेकर आप अब सीरियस होने लगे हैं। आपके प्यार में वो लड़की भी इतना आगे जा चुकी है कि आपका तलाक तक करवा सकती है वैसे भी वो घर उजाड़ने के मिशन पर निकली है। जब-जब आप ऑफिस में होते हैं तो बीवी को धोखा देने के लिए मन में गिल्ट होता है मगर घर पहुंचते ही बीवी की कर्कश आवाज़ सुन, आप सोचते हैं कि ये यही डिज़र्व करती है।
बावजूद इसके गणेशा सलाह देंगे कि इन चक्करों में मत पड़िए। ये उम्र आपकी सैटिंग करने की नहीं, कन्यादान करने की है। ज़रा नज़र उठाकर देखिए, आपकी बेटी जवान हो गई है। सलाह-पांच शनिवार छह कौओं को शहद चटाइए, इससे आपकी बीवी की कर्कशता चली जाएगी। लाल रंग की गिलहरी को बूंदी का रायता खिलाएं



वृष
31 दिसम्बर की शाम पतले होने का जो resolution आपने लिया था, वो दो जनवरी की सुबह आलू के परांठे खाने के साथ टूट जाएगा। तीन जनवरी की शाम दोस्त के साथ टहलते हुए आप उसके कहने पर मोमो खा लेंगे। पहला मोमो मुंह मे लेते ही पतले होने का आपका resolution आपको धिक्कारेगा मगर उसे इग्नोर कर आप एक और प्लेट का ऑर्डर देंगे। दस जनवरी की शाम बीवी आपको बताएगी कि रनिंग के लिए आपने जो नया ट्रैक सूट खरीदा था, बिना एक बार भी पहने उसे चूहा काट गया है। बीवी पर लापरवाही का इल्ज़ाम लगाते हुए आप उससे झगड़ा करेंगे, जिस पर बीवी के हाथों आपकी उन स्पोर्ट्स शूज़ से पिटाई हो जाएगी जिन्हें आपने ट्रेक सूट के साथ खरीदा था। सलाह-किसी गरीब आदमी को रा वन और रामगोपाल वर्मा की आग की डीवीडी भेंट करें, उसे देखने के बाद वो आपको इतनी बद्दुआएँ देगा कि आप खुद-ब-खुद पतले हो जाएँगे।



मिथुन
बाकी सालों की तरह इस साल भी आप कुछ ख़ास नहीं उखाड़ पाएंगे। ऑफिस में आपको बॉस से डांट खानी पड़ेगी और घर पर बीवी से। न तो रिश्तेदार आपको भाव देंगे और न ही मांगने पर बच्चे पानी का गिलास। जून आते-आते आपका पालतू कुत्ता भी आपको देखकर पूंछ हिलाना बंद कर देगा। इस सबसे तंग आकर आप आत्महत्या करना चाहेंगे और जान देने के लिए एक दिन टीवी पर 'मौसम' की डीवीडी लगाएंगे। मगर प्रिंट ख़राब होने के कारण वो चल नहीं पाएगी। गुस्से में आप अपने हाथ की बनी चाय पिएंगे मगर उससे भी आप मरेंगे नहीं बस मुंह से झाग निकलने के बाद बेहोश होंगे। सलाह-सात मंगलवार किसी लाल गिलहरी को बूंदी वाला रायता खिलाएं, लाभ मिलेगा। 



कर्क
पिछले साल की तरह ये साल भी आप फेसबुक पर बैठ कर बर्बाद कर देंगे। दूसरों की वॉल से अच्छे-अच्छे स्टेटस चोरी करने, उन स्टेटस पर आने वाले लाइक का घंटों इंतज़ार करने, हर फोटो में दोस्तों को टैग करने, स्कूल में साथ पढ़ी लड़कियों के प्रोफाइल ढूंढने और एक्सेप्ट न किए जाने की उम्मीद के बावजूद उन्हें फ्रेंड रिक्वेस्ट भेजने में आप अपनी ज़िंदगी का एक और साल तबाह कर देंगे।
फेसबुक पर बैठे रहने के चक्कर में आप पूरी सर्दी बिना नहाए गुज़ार देंगे। इसी चक्कर में मां-बाप से गालियां खाएंगे मगर आप इतने ढीठ हो चुके हैं कि इन गालियों का आप पर कोई फर्क नहीं पड़ेगा। सारी गालियां एक कान से होते हुए बिना दिमाग में घुसे दूसरे कान से चुपचाप निकल जाएंगी। सलाह-आप जैसे ढीठ आदमी को सलाह देने का कोई फायदा नहीं है।



सिंह
नौकरीपेशा लोगों के लिए ये साल काफी फलदायक रहेगा। सरकारी नौकरी में हैं तो दो नम्बर का पैसा बनाने का अच्छा मौका मिलेगा। प्राइवेट में हैं तो बॉस की लगातार चमचागिरी करने के चलते आपकी भारी तरक्की होगी। आपकी सैलरी बाकी लोगों से ज़्यादा बढ़ाई जाएगी। आपको ऐसे काम में लगाया जाएगा जिसके लिए न्यूनतम बुद्धि की आवश्यकता होगी। आपका काम बाकी लोगों की बॉस से चुगली करना है और वो आप पूरी ईमानदारी से करते रहें। गणेशा सलाह देते हैं कि जून के बाद आप थोड़ा सतर्क हो जाएं क्योंकि इस दौरान बॉस का एक और सिफारिशी टट्टू ऑफिस में ज्वॉइन करेगा। तब आपको नए
सिरे से खुद को प्रूव करना होगा। मगर घबराएं नहीं, खुद पर विश्वास रखें। हर आदमी के पास गिफ्टिड टेलेंट होता है। बॉस के सामने दूसरों की चुगली करने के लिए नए आदमी को एफर्ट करना होगा जबकि ऐसा करने का आपमें पैदाइशी गुण है।
सलाह- 'लगाई-बुझाई' की अपनी प्रतिभा को निखारने के लिए रोज़ाना तीन हिंदी सीरियल देखें।



कन्या
आपकी राशि भले ही कन्या हो मगर आपकी ज़िंदगी में कोई कन्या आती दिखाई नहीं दे रही। मगर इसमें किसी का कोई कसूर नहीं है, सिवाए आपके। करियर सेट करने की उम्र में आप लड़कियां सेट करते रहे और जब बारी लड़की सेट करने की आई तो आप करियर सेट करने में लगे हैं। आपकी अरेंज मैरिज हो सके ऐसी आपकी इमेज नहीं है और आप लव मैरिज कर सकें, ऐसी आपकी शक्ल नहीं। गणेशा कहते
हैं कि ये स्थिति अभी कुछ और वक्त तक बनी रहेगी और 2017 के बाद जाकर आपका विवाह होगा मगर तब भी कन्या मनुष्य जाति से होगी या नहीं, इसकी गारंटी गणेशा नहीं लेते।
सलाह-इक्कीस सोमवार सुबह-शाम खुद को दस-दस थप्पड़ लगाएं, इससे उन लड़कियों के मन को शांति मिलेगी जो कभी आपको पीटना चाहती थीं।



तुला
वक्त आ गया है कि तुला राशि वाले अपनेआप को लेकर ग़लतफहमी पालना बंद कर दें और थोड़ा व्यावहारिक हो जाएं। सिर्फ आपके ये मानने से कि मैं बहुत होशियार हूं और ज़िंदगी में बहुत अच्छा डिज़र्व करता हूं, दुनिया को घंटा फर्क नहीं पड़ता। टीवी डिस्कशन्स में आने वाले गेस्ट को मूर्ख मानने से आप खुद होशियार नहीं हो जाते। दसवीं पास दोस्तों को अपने अल्पज्ञान से आतंकित करने से कुछ पल्ले नहीं पड़ने वाला। अब भी वक्त है, संभल जाइए। आपके दोस्तों के दो-दो बच्चे हो गए और आपकी अभी शादी तक नहीं हुई, ये बात अलग है कि बच्चे आपके भी दो हो चुके हैं जिनमें से एक की तो खुद आपको भी
जानकारी नहीं है।
सलाह- खुद के कमाए पैसों से एक अंडरवियर खरीदने बाज़ार जाएं, अपनेआप अक्ल ठिकाने आ जाएगी। दही में तीन चम्मच चाय पत्ती मिलाकर पंडित जी को पिलाएँi


वृश्चिक
वृश्चिक राशि वालों का इस साल भाग्य खूब साथ देगा। खरीदारी करने बाज़ार जाएंगे तो सेल में कुछ सस्ते स्वेटर मिल जाएंगे, बुक करवाने के दो दिन बाद सिलेंडर की डिलिवरी हो जाएगी, फुटपाथ से खरीदी पाइरेटिड सीडी का प्रिंट अच्छा निकलेगा, आटे की थैली में साबुनदानी का मुफ्त स्टैंड निकलेगा, जिस गाड़ी में सफर करेंगे उसमें सुंदर लड़कियां दिखेंगी, पड़ौसी के दसवीं में अच्छे नम्बर आएंगे, उसकी बुआ की लड़की अपने मायके से आपके लिए नया पजामा लाएगी और और तो और आपकी भैंस माया भी इस साल बाकी सालों के मुकाबले ज़्यादा दूध देगी।
सलाह-अपनी गली के आठ आवारा कुत्तों की नसबंदी करवाएं, इससे आपका भाग्य और चमकेगा।


धनु
धनु राशि वालों की किस्मत इस साल बिलुकल साथ नहीं देगी। ऑफिस जाने की जल्दी होगी तो रास्ते में स्कूटर पंचर हो जाएगा, मेहमान आए होंगे तो सिलेंडर ख़त्म हो जाएगा, ज़रूरत पड़ेगी तो नेट काम नहीं करेगा, बीवी बीमार होगी तो कामवाली छुट्टी ले लेगी, सहवाग की बैटिंग के वक्त लाइट चली जाएगी, लाइट आने पर मिमोह चक्रवर्ती की फिल्म चल रही होगी और तो और जब-जब चाय में डुबोकर खाने के लिए ग्लूकोज़ का बिस्किट उसके अंदर डालेंगे, वो उसी में डूब जाएगा!
सलाह- बिस्किट चाय में न डूबे इसके लिए ज़रूरी है कि उसे लाइफ जैकेट पहनाएं।



मकर
टीवी देखने के लिहाज़ से ये साल महिलाओं के लिए काफी अच्छा है। मार्च के आसपास आप सोनी टीवी पर दो नए सीरियल देखने शुरू करेंगी और अपनी दृढ़ इच्छाशक्ति के दम पर बिना नागा उसे पूरा साल देखेंगी। इस दौरान रिमोट के लिए कई दफा आपका अपने पति से झगड़ा होगा मगर सीरियल्स की साजिश रचने वाली बहुओं की तरह आप भी हार नहीं मानेंगी। वहीं दूसरी ओर रिएलिटी शोज़ के हिसाब से ये साल आपके लिए उतना अच्छा नहीं है। आप जिस-जिस कंटेस्टेंट को सपोर्ट करेंगी वो फाइनल तक तो पहुंचेगा मगर जीत नहीं पाएगा जिसे लेकर आपको भारी दुख होगा। रात-रात भर कमरा बंद कर
फूल की कढ़ाई वाला तकिया मुंह में ले रोएंगी और हो सकता है इस बीच डिप्रेशन की शिकार भी हो जाएं।
सलाह- पति के सोते ही उसके मोबाइल से अपने चहेते प्रतिभागी को ढेरों वोट करें। इससे पति भले ही डेंजर ज़ोन में चला जाए, मगर आपका पसंदीदा गवैया बच जाएगा।


 कुंभ
कुंभ राशि वाले अपना ये साल पंडितों के चक्कर में बर्बाद कर देंगे। आपके लिए ये समझना बहुत ज़रूरी है कि अगर आपकी ज़िंदगी में कुछ नया नहीं हो रहा तो उसकी वजह आपकी ख़राब किस्मत नहीं, आपका आलस हैं। ऑफिस से घर आने के बाद आपका सारा दिन पड़े रहने में बीतता है और यही वजह है कि आप दस साल से एक ही ऑफिस में पड़े हुए हैं। आपके पड़े-पड़े आपके बच्चे बड़े हो गए मगर आप अपने करियर में कहीं नहीं बढ़े। गणेशा सलाह देते हैं कि यूं दिनभर भेजे के कुकर में ख्याली पुलाव पकाते रहने और बॉस के घर की महिला सदस्यों को याद कर उसे गाली देने का कोई फायदा नहीं है। लिहाज़ा बिना कुछ किए हालात सुधरने की उम्मीद में चार अख़बारों में राशियां पढ़ने और हाथ की अंगुलियों से लेकर पैर के अंगूठे तक में अंगूठियां पहनने के बजाए रजाई से निकलिए…गैस पर पानी गर्


Funny & Interesting Stories Of Albert Einstein



Albert Einstein’s wife often suggested that he dress more professionally,
when he headed off to work.
“Why should I?” he would invariably argue.
Everyone knows me there.”
When the time came for Einstein to attend his first major conference,
she begged him to dress up a bit.
“Why should I?” said Einstein.
“No one knows me there
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========
Albert Einstein was often asked to explain the general theory of relativity.
“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour,”
he once declared.
“Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.
That’s relativity!”
========= ========= ========= ========= =========
When Albert Einstein was working in Princeton university,
one day he was going back home he forgot his home address.
The driver of the cab did not recognize him.
Einstein asked the driver if he knows Einstein’s home.
The driver said “Who does not know Einstein’s address?
Everyone in Princeton knows.
Do you want to meet him?”.
Einstein replied “I am Einstein.
I forgot my home address, can you take me there? ”
The driver reached him to his home and did not even collect his fare from him .
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========
Einstein was once travelling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle,
punching the tickets of every passenger.
When he came to Einstein,
Einstein reached in his vest pocket.
He couldn’t find his ticket,
so he reached in his trouser pockets.
It wasn’t there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn’t find it.
Then he looked in the seat beside him.
He still couldn’t find it.
The conductor said,
‘Dr. Einstein, I know who you are.
We all know who you are.
I’m sure you bought a ticket.
Don’t worry about it.’
Einstein nodded appreciatively.
The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets.
As he was ready to move to the next car,
he turned around and saw the great physicist
down on his hands and knees
looking under his seat for his ticket.
The conductor rushed back and said,
‘Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don’t worry,
I know who you are. No problem.
You don’t need a ticket.
I’m sure you bought one.’
Einstein looked at him and said,
‘Young man, I too, know who I am.
What I don’t know is where I’m going. That’s why I am searching my ticket”?

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